Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. TaraMonster Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. something random If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. He talks to his mom about it. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. something random If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. It does not have to be living with her. , RedRoverRedRover Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? This isn't the first time. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. something random FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. The challenge to my marriage. Bittergaymark Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. 2. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! Nope, sorry dont buy it. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Why do I hate my husband? Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? I forgot about the honey thing. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. . I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. honeybeenicki However, dont dwell much on it. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). ChickenNugget She didnt know what she was signing up for. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. That could have been her husband too, though. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. Theres a nicer way to present it. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. ele4phant That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . That would help a lot with the hygiene. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Was she not in touch with the woman? Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Whadda hypocrite! Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Ok. No problem. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Who the fuck cares? As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. ele4phant, Im with you. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. I have mentioned that I love living now? Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. bricklink greef karga. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Also, I dont really like my MIL. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. something random But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. I agree. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". And even my husband loves having her nearby. Keep up the good work! You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Overall, I feel for you. . Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. What changed all of a sudden? . My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. However, it doesnt always work like that. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. It ended up being the best thing for her. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. Fair enough. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Well, you need to stop that. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Is there a senior center in your community? I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Of course this is family (a parent! Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . I just can't deal with my mil. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. So let me see if I understand this. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. And it is stressful and daunting. RedRoverRedRover I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. I get that living there is hard for you. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? It can pave the way for a better relationship. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. something random Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. So, get your own place. honeybeenicki It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Yeah, this is pretty horrible. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Are you happy within yourself? I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Oh, come on. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Its not easy, but its necessary. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. How did you get them?? Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. . Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Sunshine Brite Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Why was that? These were her decisions to make. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. I just read your comment again. Stop wanting and do it. Ridiculous. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. The best El Paso TX information website. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. 2. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. Right? And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. He never has time for you (even when he's home). We were on the same page. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. You probably hate him because he is flawed. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Skyblossom For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. What does it mean to. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. But who among us isnt? I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. Why do I hate my husband? But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. 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